My Personal Q&A

These are the questions I’ve been asking myself lately:

1. Was it wise for me to examine my past? It’s trendy for Christian to look at our childhood to understand our actions/reactions today. I’ve gone that route myself. I saw a counselor for about a year. He was (and is) very good, and I’d easily recommend him. Together we dug deep and uncovered all kinds of buried crap! Things long forgotten were exposed, and old wounds were re-opened to bleed afresh. I’d go home feeling angry, sad, frustrated, victimized. It was painful, but I thought it would eventually lead to something good. Because that’s what everyone says is supposed to happen.

But here in 2011, I find I regret the exhumation. The wounds are still open, and now they’re festering. I don’t feel as though I’ve moved forward at all. In fact, I’ve used my past hurts as an excuse not to move. It wasn’t a conscious choice (I don’t think). I find a strange comfort in rehearsing the pain. It’s like pushing my thumb into my mouth, or a needle into my vein.

2. Why should I move? As much as I dislike the person I am today, it’s the daunting thought of moving forward that keeps me here. Leaving this person behind would also mean leaving the comfortable house of pain I built. I’m like an agoraphobic! Even though my house of pain only provides the illusion of safety, that seems better than being outside, uncovered. In or out, there will be pain. It’s a choice between familiar pain (comfortable) and unfamiliar pain (unknown). Either way I’m screwed.

Why does life have to have pain? I hate that crap.

3. Should I trust God? This is supposed to be a no-brainer. But it’s hard to believe he cares for me when long stretches of our relationship include me wondering where he is. God’s kind of caring is nothing like human caring. Which is scary, because with humans, it’s pretty obvious if someone cares or doesn’t care. God’s caring sometimes feels like loneliness and rejection. God, why do you do that? I don’t like it.

Yesterday my pastor gave us a simple prayer: God, teach me to think the way you think. I know the first step to leaving the house of pain is to change the way I think. That seems entirely impossible right now. I want to believe God wants better for me. So I’ll pray it and see what happens.

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2 thoughts on “My Personal Q&A

  1. Makeda says:

    I love you! I love your heart! And I love that you are so courageously willing to say where you are. It may not feel like it but it is a definite good first step. Praying for your heart friend!

  2. Christin says:

    I’ve gone through something similar to number one…I wrote a poem about it that I’ve never shared. ;-). Essentially, I was wrestling with the fact that I had discovered there were two me’s. One, was the “old me.” “Old me” carried all the scars and hurt and pain of my past. The other was the “new me” that couldn’t avoid pain, but knew better than to put herself in the kind of situations that “old me” did. The “new me” also had hope that one day things would be better, things would be easier, she believed in good things happening. The poem was about “new me” trying to get rid of “old me.” “New me” didn’t like “old me”, didn’t want to think about her, and she definitely didn’t want “old me” to be part of her. She tried to kill “old me”…I know that sounds drastic, but she wanted her gone. She couldn’t get rid of her. She finally decided to accept her, to see the good in her. “New me” came to the conclusion that everything she was trying to be, everything she wanted out of life, wouldn’t even exist without “old me.” I can so appreciate where you are right now; I go back there all the time, but I also realize there is no way for me to know exactly what you are feeling. Please see this response as just me sharing part of my journey and not me offering a solution for this part of yours. Luv you girl!

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