Fired up again.

I started to change my Song Lyric of the Day, but I couldn’t. It still applies. So I just added another lyric, for a Frankly Speaking first: Lines from two different songs in one widget! (I know, the excitement could overwhelm you if you’re not careful.)

I’m so sick of ordinary, crappy, everyday life. I’m feeling fired up today–I want to effect change in the parts of the world over which I have influence. I’ve never wanted to be one of those people who complain about the status quo, but won’t do anything to make things better. In my heart I’ve been a complainer lately, a status-quo-er. I’m sick of it.

I THRIVE on structure, and order, and organization. I WILT in chaos, and I find disarray mentally taxing, physically draining. This is the way God wired me, and I can’t ignore it or change it.

I look around me and everything’s a mess. I’ve become this wilted, drained person. It’s like poison to my soul, and I’ve been sitting around dying of poisoning. Either I have to get rid of it, or get away from it. So I have to confront the disarray in every area of my life.

I’m scared for a couple reasons.

1. I’m scared because I know how I am. It’s easy for me to get discouraged–I start down a path all by myself, and when no one comes alongside me, I begin to fade. The next thing I know I’ve quit. I’m worried about this because I believe that when I take this step, I won’t have anyone who’ll say to me, “Keep going! You can do it!” I’m not pessimistic, I’m realistic: I’m surrounded by people who seem perfectly content to stay in this mess. So I’m going to have to keep myself inspired. I have to. Stay inspired, or wither and die.

2. I’m scared because the disarray doesn’t affect just me; this means cleaning it up won’t affect just me either. As I said, I’m surrounded by people who seem perfectly content to stay in the mess. Is there anyone in history who has come into a situation where everyone was perfectly content, stirred things up, and then everyone was like, “Wow, I’m so glad you came! I see I need to change, and I’ll do it right now!” These people I speak of are people I love and care about. Their good opinion of me, their love for me, is valuable to me. I’m afraid they’ll reject me.

3. I’m scared because … is it right for me to expect others to change? Am I being a control-freak? Am I expecting people to be like me? Is this about me, or is it about them too?I tell myself this will be good for us all, and I do believe that … but what if they don’t see it that way? What if I’m selfish?

So I’m going to pray, and I’m going to do it. I think. I want to. I’m determined to.

Please God, let my motives be pure, and if they’re not, tell me what to do and how to do it. Please be with me! Please help me to see this through. Please let me be wrong that no one will come alongside me. Father, help me!

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2 thoughts on “Fired up again.

  1. Could you please get out of my head or mailbox? Whatever the saying is. This is bringing me to tears because that is exactly where I am at. I’ll be praying with you for wisdom, direction, and the courage to just step out!

  2. Tracie says:

    I’ll pray for you too, Disa. Maybe we can be each other’s “You can do it!”

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