Last Sunday Derwin and I went to North Point Community Church in the Atlanta area. We heard Part One of a message called “Illusions.”
The pastor, Jeff Henderson, laid out a pretty simple message on being fake. I suppose many or most of us are fake about something, that’s not a new story. I guess this one felt different because it took a different tack. It wasn’t so much the typical, “Hey, we need to be authentic” message. It was the “here’s the ways you’re being fake and you’re sitting in your own crap” thing. God put his finger on my issue in a strange church in a strange city. I freakin’ hate crying in front of people!
So now I shall confess: I have created an illusion that I’m a happy person who’s growing closer to God daily. The truth is, I beat myself up nearly every day. I don’t like myself, and I feel like I’m failing those I love the most. I know intellectually that God loves me and is nearby, but I don’t feel Him. I miss Him terribly, and I feel like I’m too far gone for Him to have any further dealings with me. I know that sounds fairly cheap, but … well, it goes pretty deep and it feels pretty crappy. And I don’t talk about it to anyone. Not anyone. Not even my husband. Because I don’t think anyone will understand, and I don’t want to hear a bunch of crappy platitudes like, “Buck up! Of course God loves you!” or “Where’s your faith!”
So just to clarify, I’m not looking for sympathy. I’m just letting go of the imagined safety of the illusion.