This year has been strange. I’ve spent half of it being distant from God, angry at him and unforgiving of him. There’s a difficult relationship in my life, and I’ve been waiting for God to fix it, hoping he’d fix it. This year my hopes took a serious hit. I got pissed off at God. I started avoiding him. I questioned whether he cared about me. I wondered if he was even real.
I didn’t want to talk to him anymore. I felt myself falling, reverting, becoming ugly and dirty, the person I was before Jesus came into the picture. Everything around me was dry and gritty, and there was nothing beautiful to be found anywhere–in me or in anyone or anything. I just … didn’t care about anything anymore. Oddly, this terrified me.
But I feel like maybe I was asleep and now I’m waking up. I feel like Hosea’s wife … like I ran away from my husband and flirted with my old lovers. I hated myself for walking away from my husband, but I figured he wouldn’t want me anymore anyhow.
But then he came after me. He took my hand and woo-ed me back, and he put his arms around me and loved me. I thought, “Why did you marry me? What do you see in me?” Even while I was so frustrated at myself for leaving him, I felt flooded with passion and love for him because he still came back for me! And he doesn’t mean for me to grovel about it, but to simply belong to him and accept the free gift of his forgiveness. When this happened, grace suddenly made sense to me. I’ve been saved for over nine years, and I’m just beginning to understand it.
I mean, I didn’t think he was going to come after me. Wow! Am I that valuable to him? Why?! It’s a strange, humbling, romantic thing. He always said he wouldn’t leave me. I’m beginning to believe him.