Sex

I have been increasingly frustrated with how very differently men and women view sex. I frequently remind myself, “Men are just different. They think differently from women. That doesn’t make them bad, it just makes them different.”

I still believe that’s true. But today in particular I am sick of different. Not just because he’s different from me, but because I’m different from him. That means it occasionally seems impossible for either of us to see things in any other way besides from the inside of our own eyes, our own differently-wired bodies. It’s like there’s a language barrier or something.

I’m at the end of my rope. I feel this pressure to be a certain way, to think a certain way, to behave a certain way … the way a “good wife” should. That pressure causes me to react badly. I push, then I pull; I feel sad, then I feel angry. I feel frustrated, then I feel resigned. I’m passionate, then I just don’t care anymore.

It’s all well and good to know we’re different. But today I want to know why. I want to know how we get past it. I’m tired of pat answers and pithy sayings. I’m tired of diplomatic, politically-correct responses. I’m just tired of it.

Of course, as I’m writing this I’m wondering, “What will people think?” I’ve edited many times, I admit. The only reason I haven’t dumped this entire post is that I don’t want to avoid something because I’m afraid of what people will think. It’s impossible that I’m alone in my frustration. I can’t be the only woman who loves God and loves her husband and wishes there were a simple answer to this issue. (But even if I am, then so be it.) This is my real life. This is me, speaking frankly.

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6 thoughts on “Sex

  1. allrileyedup says:

    When you get that answer, I’d be much obliged if you passed it on. It’s something I’ve always wondered about, and daresay I’ll never know. And it definitely frustrates me from time to time too.

  2. DL says:

    I was once told by a very respected woman of God and mentor, “Men are visual and women are not visual in the same way they are. They are like light switches–they can turn on and turn off just like that. Men need sex and a lot of it. Period.”

    Ummm, I hope that helped? (smile)

  3. sosupercilious says:

    Yea, my dad likes to tell me almost the same thing ^ whenever I attempt to understand the male mind in relation to sex, and he’s always very honest with me. So since don’t have any actual experience (though if I did, I would be just as honest), I’ll steal a few of his lines.

    He once told me that for men, sex is literally a drive. It’s one of their main motivations. As in, once their mind is on it, it’s really hard to get it off. Which will lead them to make very bad decisions and why often times women see them as so unscrupulous when it comes to sex. And it’s not like it can’t be controlled, it’s just extremely difficult. Which is why men hate it when the first thing women cut off when something happens is sex.

    (But in my opinion a woman is not entitled to sleep with a man if she’s mad at him)

    That was his opinion as a man, and I find you can see it as an excuse, or take it as useful. I hope it helps though!

  4. Nikki says:

    Okay first of all, Bravo! Now, since you’re speaking plain I’ll just follow suit. Not only are men wired differently–more drive, more visually stimulated, blah, blah, blah–but they are also built more simplistically. What I mean is every single blessed day of our lives women have to deal with things coming out AND going in our sexual organ. Men just don’t have those issues. They are built to simply “release.” That’s it! Just about every activity associated with their sexual organ is to release something. How easy is that? Even the word sounds easy and relaxing–release.

    Conversely, as women, if we are “releasing” anything, it is not the time to relax! Everyday “release” must be studied for appearance and odor making sure no infection is present. Once a month “release” must be contained lest our clothes get stained. The other once a month release must be examined for natural family planning purposes unless you’re using other birth control, or one of you is snipped/tied. And the other “release,” the one after his “release,” is just annoying because only we have to get up from a cozy bed to use the bathroom while dear hubby is snoring.

    So I’m convinced it’s not just the complexity of our emotional wiring that causes friction between spouses when it comes to sex. It’s also the inconveniences of our physical design. As women, that area of our body goes through a lot. And it’s no wonder it sometimes just wants to be left alone!

    I hope that’s not speaking too frankly. 🙂

  5. treyka says:

    Nikki, I so appreciate you! I made Derwin read your comment, and he went around looking confused for about 2 hours! But I TOTALLY get it!

    Thanks everyone for your advice!

  6. Linzy says:

    Oh my goodness, this made me laugh so much. The fact that men and women are so different bends my mind in a way that it doesn’t want to bend and I’m flabbergasted as to really why they do what they do. As someone who’s unmarried, I feel bad for my poor husband when he finally comes along because I’m afraid I’m going to bombard him with questions. I wish I had some answers for ya, but I’m as lost as you are! 🙂 Thank you SO much for posting what all of us women are thinking.

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