Chapter 6: Clarity
So we’d decided to reconcile, and things seemed to be going quite well. My husband hadn’t moved back in yet, but we were on a good track. We celebrated our 8-year anniversary with a lighthearted date. We were talking through issues. Things were going well for us. Plus, even though nothing had changed financially, for some reason things seemed to be on an even keel–I had food, the (important) bills were getting paid, and the kids and I were doing okay. We started to plan for Christmas, deciding which gifts to purchase for our kids.
In the meantime, my relationship with God had changed. Where before I’d believed God was in relationship with me out of obligation, I now believed for the first time that he chose me. I felt drawn to him, accepted and valued by him.
On reflection, maybe this dark tunnel wasn’t so bad!
November 28, 2005
I was at home when the phone rang. I could see it was a creditor, but I answered. This wasn’t my first phone conversation with a creditor, and though difficult, those conversations didn’t generally add to my stress level. But this time was different. This time when I hung up, I was very troubled. The call wasn’t unusual, yet something felt very wrong. I struggled with a niggling fear until I went to bed that night.
I woke in the middle of the night with a flash of frightening clarity. First, I’d been living out the events of the dream I’d had in 2003. Up until that moment I’d never realized it. Second, in line with that dream, I’d thought our troubles were over, but they were starting again.
But something cool was happening in that moment. As clear as the dream had suddenly become, I was equally clear on the truth that Jesus was there with me. Literally right there in the bed with me.
I turned on my side as if I were turning to face him.
“I’m scared,” I whispered.
I felt as though he reached out and took both my hands in his.
Don’t be afraid. I’ll walk with you through the valley of the shadow of death. Horrible things will be all around you, but you must keep your hands here in mine, and keep your eyes on my face.
The next day I was at the office when my husband called. He’d lost his job the day before.
***
So things got worse around me. Creditors began to put more pressure on me. One of our cars was repossessed. We came dangerously close to losing the house. My husband was close to being evicted from his apartment, and he began making arrangements to move back home.
And I never, not once, felt afraid. Instead I felt honored and grateful. I’d had that dream two years ago, and it was clear now that God was talking to me through it. I thought of the events in the dream–how the tree (God) had made the woman tell me what was coming. He warned me. He was on my side. He cared. This was, and is, so wonderful to me.
Until that year, I’d thought being a Christian meant I wouldn’t suffer and I wouldn’t go without. But now I’d learned that I might suffer and I might go without, and God was still God. Sometimes the road would be beautiful and there would be plenty. Sometimes the road would be dark and there would be nothing but black in every direction. These things could happen whether I’d given my life to Christ or not; the difference was that now I had God to help me; I didn’t have to do anything alone. There was hope.
All year I’d worried about food, but when I looked back, I realized we’d never gone without it. Perhaps we didn’t have as much as I would’ve liked, or even the variety I might have enjoyed. But we ate every day. While I’d fretted and stressed and thrown temper tantrums, God had taken care of it. As for the house and the car, these things did not equal life. If they were taken away, they would be replaced. If we had food and clothing, we would survive.
Once I understood all these things, what did I have to fear? I’d never felt so peaceful in my life.
***
The new year began with a discovery. I learned my husband was back to his old schemes again.
The past year had changed me. My life had new parameters. I was no longer afraid of the unknown; I no longer felt obliged to stay in a situation that was wrong for my children and me. I felt completely loved and supported by God, and it helped me to make a choice without fear of disappointing him or anyone else.
I called my husband and confronted him. With resolve in my voice, I calmly told him I’d finally had enough. Nothing could change my mind: our marriage was over.
