Angry Moms

I read an interesting article in Parenting Magazine a couple weeks back, and I decided right then to discuss it on my blog! The article’s called “Mad at Dad,” and it appeared in their February 2009 School Years issue.

Here’s an excerpt:

These are the kinds of things we see parodied on TV sitcoms, where bumbling husbands get laughs for feeding the kids frosting sandwiches and sending them to school in scuba gear. These are the kinds of things we moan and groan about when we get together with our other mom friends, often playing our irritations for laughs. Honestly though, it’s not that funny. None of us signed up to live in a sitcom. [Emphasis mine.]

The article goes on to share the results of a survey of over 1,000 mothers. The results surprised me. I honestly thought my frustration was a rarity. I assumed most families were trucking happily along, that in this day and age most dads were doing their fair share to bring about a happy home. Based on the results, there are a lot of guys who are doing it right. However, more moms than I thought are angry. And now that I know I’m not alone, I want to talk about it.

Here are some of the mom statistics (of the 1,000+ women surveyed):

• 46% get irate with their husbands once a week or more.
• 44% say dads don’t notice what needs to be done around the house or with the kids. (This figure jumps to 54% for moms with 3 or more kids.)
• 40% say their husbands seem clueless about the best way to take care of kids.
• 31% say their husbands don’t help with the chores.
• 33% say their husbands aren’t shouldering equal responsibility.
• 50% say their husbands get more time for themselves.
• 60% don’t tell their friends what they’re going through.

Okay people, here’s the deal. Rather than let this become a bashfest (and it very easily could–with me as the ringleader), what I really want is perspective. This is 2009! I thought we were past this whole “Me man, me drink beer; you woman, you barefoot, make baby and sandwiches” thing!*

This is what I want to know:

• Men, seriously. Do you* really not notice these things? If the answer is an honest no, hasn’t your wife mentioned them? If so, why aren’t you doing anything about it?
• Perhaps men* believe this is what women were “meant” to do, so we should just suck it up and do it. But if we’re really meant to be satisfied with this, why aren’t we? More importantly, does it matter to you that we aren’t satisfied?
• Maybe men* believe they’ve done their share at the office. But … we work too, whether it’s in the office or at home with the kids! Let’s be real here!

I’m just not buying the assertion that because I’m a woman, I have some special perspective on parenting and household duties. Men are intelligent, strong, able-bodied… What’s the deal? Is this stuff really that confusing?

I’m gonna go out on a limb and say it. Ladies, some of you may disagree, but here it is:

Men, we need you. We need your strength, but we also need your tenderness and concern. We need to see a side of you that nobody else sees. We need to know you care, and we need to see your care in your actions. When we’re overwhelmed with the kids, the house, the job, et cetera, we need you to show us we’re not alone. We need you to share the load; we’re not meant to carry it by ourselves. And when we’re feeling upset, we don’t need a bouquet! Flowers can’t possibly compare to a man with a mop in his hand. (Unless he has already mopped.)

Thoughts? Perspectives? Opinions?

*DISCLAIMER: I know, I know. This isn’t directed at all men. More than that, the statistics only represent one side of the story. Further, these are the women’s perspectives, not necessarily reality. Finally, the statistics make it clear that these feelings aren’t shared by all women. So if this doesn’t apply to you, go in peace!

Just Being Honest: Thoughts on Men

I didn’t think I had anything revolutionary left to learn about men. Not that I’m conceited or anything; I just thought if there was more to know, it wouldn’t be the type of stuff that would blow my mind. I was so naively wrong.

Shaunti Feldhahn came to speak at my church a couple weeks ago. She’d stumbled onto some specific realizations about the way men think and feel toward women and relationships, and it spurred her to learn more. After anonymously surveying hundreds of men and conducting personal interviews with several of them, she interpreted the data in her best-selling book “For Women Only.”

I’m not enjoying the book. Not because it isn’t well written or because I disagree with the author (although on some minor points I do). It’s because what I’m learning is terrifying to me. It seems to confirm on some primal level something I’d always feared, but worked really hard to ignore.

I confess, it is entirely possible that some of what I feel stems from a heart broken many times. Having honestly acknowledged that reality, I must clarify that I’m not trying to lump men into a stereotypical group (i.e. “all men are dogs”). I used to believe that, and then I grew up. But looking back at my younger self and comparing her bitter conclusions to what I’ve been learning, I can understand the primal instinct that pushed her self-preservation button.

Now, this is why what I’ve learned is blowing my mind: My primal instinct wasn’t really that far off. My oversimplified conclusion about the data was wrong, this is true. But the instinct itself, the one that caused me to draw that conclusion, was pretty-much spot-on. The instinct that men’s thoughts, feelings and beliefs (and the resulting actions) are vastly, hugely different than women’s. There’s a gap between us as wide as the distance from the earth to the moon; how can such a gap be bridged?

I’ve spent these many years trying to convince myself the instinct was wrong, and therefore I had no reason to put a wall around my heart. Instead, what I should’ve done was trusted the instinct, but dealt with the heart-attitude (the desire for self-preservation) that developed because of it. So now I have to start at ground zero. Dangit!

Okay, so all men are not dogs.

But … men are strange, scary creatures. The things they think and feel are incomprehensible to me, and I am very tempted to protect my heart from them. All of them. (Not a good thing when you have a husband.) I feel like I’ve been living on a planet with aliens in human suits. I even live with an alien in “husband” skin. Secretly he’s been this other being. I feel like someone’s been lying to me all my life. Worst of all, I’m afraid it will never be possible to relate to my husband, because I may not ever be able to fully trust him.

I don’t understand why God chose to do things this way. I don’t understand how he expected relationships to work this way. I mean, I’m not throwing him under the bus; I just don’t get it, that’s all. Everything feels strange and scary right now. I’m sure I’ll have more to say on it soon.

By the way, I’m not saying I’m right, I’m just sharing how I feel. Go ahead and comment freely.

Book Review: Dear John

Well, since Deidre hooked me in with The Wedding, I felt the least I could do is read another of her Nicholas Sparks recommendations. But this book was so different from any of his other book I’ve read. It was sort of dark, and sad.

The main character is John. He grew up without a mother and with a father obsessed with coin collecting. Outgoing and popular, he had a hard time relating to his quiet, routine-driven dad.

After dropping out of high school and feeling like his life was wasting away, John decided to join the military. While he was home on his two-week leave, he met and quickly fell in love with Savannah. But because she was only visiting his hometown, and he was on leave, they would soon have to part ways. They vowed to keep in touch while he was stationed abroad. Savannah was also instrumental in helping John to relate to his dad in a new way.

When the two were able to see each other again, they found life to be far different from the idyllic existence they enjoyed before. Nonetheless, they still planned to marry once John’s tour of duty ended in just a few months.

Then 9/11 happened, and everything changed for both of them.

I really liked John. He seemed like a real person and a good guy. At a point later in the story, it would’ve been easy for him to do the wrong thing–and very few would’ve blamed him. But what he did was so honorable and right … even though I wished things could’ve been different, I felt a great deal of respect for him.

I give this book 5/5 stars.

Book Review: The Wedding

I must say, I’ve never been a big fan of Nicholas Sparks. I’ve read some of his other books, and they were pleasant. But … well, I’m just skeptical when a man writes romantic stories for women. I feel like I’m being manipulated or something … but that’s just my melancholy showing!

On a recent women’s retreat, I was hanging out with my good friend Deidre. After a long, hard day of shopping, we went to her room to relax. She wanted to read, and so did I–but I hadn’t brought a book with me. Dei recommended I borrow Melody’s book on the table, just so I’d have something to read while we relaxed.

I read the first two chapters, and I was hooked.

The story is about a man named Wilson. He married Jane, the love of his life, in his youth, and he still finds her wonderful and beautiful. But quiet and introspective as he is, he’d never been very good at showing her just how much he loved her. Over the years of their marriage, Wilson devoted more time and attention to his work than his wife and children, and now that the children are grown, he and his wife are like strangers.

When Wilson completely forgets about their wedding anniversary, Jane is heartbroken–it seems this was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Wilson knows he must do something to make up for it, so he immediately begins to plan a special event for their next anniversary–until his oldest daughter decides to get married on the same day.

This book was just quaint and lovely, and Wilson was so sweet and believable. He worked so hard to earn back his wife’s love and to be the romantic he felt she’d always deserved. He capped it all off with a special surprise for Jane that melted my heart! I didn’t expect it to happen, but I felt all mushy inside when I read the last page. I had to go snuggle up on my hubby!

I give this book a 5/5 stars.

Book Review: Next Generation Leader

I first heard of Andy Stanley when I attended a conference in Atlanta back in 2005. He’s been one of my favorite teachers ever since, and this book doesn’t fall short of my expectations. Though it’s written from a Christian perspective, this book would be useful to both secular and ministry leaders.

The book is thin and the text isn’t microscopic. In other words, it’s a concise, easy-to-read book that gets straight to the point. It’s not meant to be an exhaustive tome covering every question a leader might ask; instead it’s a great overview to the most basic and simple (yet probably overlooked or underestimated) requirements of leadership.

There are five sections: “Competence–Do Less, Accomplish More; Courage–Courage Establishes Leadership; Clarity–Uncertainty Demands Clarity; Coaching–Coaching Enables a Leader to Go Farther, Faster; and Character–Character Determines the Leader’s Legacy.” Each section contains three short chapters, then closes with a bullet-point summary and a few questions or suggestions to spur self-examination and, if necessary, change.

I give it 5/5 stars.